never wasn't important anyway

diebus fatalibus

i miss her. or do i just miss the illusion of being part of something? being important? holding a role. i'm not sure what it is. the illusion she created? i guess that's why she was (is? i wouldn't know, these days) as dangerous as she was.

i did love her. or, perhaps, to be more accurate, i loved what she presented to me and that was the only truth i knew. that's why when what happened happened, and the truth was revealed, i was so hurt. all the fingers pointed to the sign that it was just part of...the dramatic giggly part of myself wants to say 'her evil plan', but the thing is, i don't think she does it to be evil. she does it because it's the only way she knows how to survive. maybe people like her can't help it, and their worst crime is not thinking of other people at all, except as pieces they feel they need to play a game they don't know how to get out of, even if they want to.

Out of the silence into the blue
You finally remember where you've been
You finally remember who you are
And you remember the light

Out of the spirit, into the flesh
The animal heartbeat in the chest
The naked desire, the appetite --
But you remember the light...

Now I lay me down, now I lay me down
Now I lay me down to dream

-- "now i lay me down", october project

contrary to what the tone of this entry may suggest, i'm not really sad. just...wondering, wandering with thoughts. a soft sort of nostalgia that's as close to neutral as it is to anything else. at least i can look back and remember feeling loved, instead of just the stab of mind-unwinding pain that my world became when it all fell apart. one day, i might not remember the latter at all.

and in the meantime, i will write amazing stories.
oh, you, a vision in winter-sky blue...that's all i can do for you. you existed in my heart, and that will keep us both for now.

23rd day of the 8th moon
311018 8:39dark