never wasn't important anyway

oh what a shangri-la

"what are you upset about now?!"

i'm upset because i was proven right. i was right on the money about my value to him.
and that hurts like a fucking nail bomb in my soul.

if i had been wrong, that would have been less painful. swallowing my pride and admitting i saw something through a skewed lens can be embarrassing, but it doesn't hurt.
knowing that i saw through this garbage like a glass wall means absolutes:
i was absolutely replaceable;
i was absolutely not being seen for who i was, but rather who he wanted me to be;
i was absolutely used as emotional okazu;
i was absolutely correct about how i only had worth when i was a potential girlfriend, not a (best?) friend;
i was absolutely seeing this whole thing exactly as it was and any vague hope i had of just being that crazy girl who was overexaggerating tiny shards of nothing has been destroyed entirely.

i thought i was full of tears but it's like my heart's burned up inside.
i'm that sort of hurt angry that goes past sadness. a blank whiteness where it feels like every kindness you had inside you has vanished like a sigh of smoke in the winter wind.

i have to leave for a 12-hour day in a few hours. i do not have time for this...this shit, right now.
(i'm trying to wring poetry out of this. i think it's impossible.)
i wish i could go back in time and tell younger me that i never really did.

"Idiot. I know all about your little jerk off fantasies about me. Go ahead and do it like you always do, I'll even stand here and watch you."
-- asuka souryuu, end of evangelion

"I don't know what you saw; I want somebody who sees me."
-- 'as cool as i am', dar williams

28112018 4:07firstlight