lantana scent on the night air after a vaguely warm spring day; too warm to close the windows and nap, but i couldn't sleep, anyway. mind not racing, but whirling instead. thoughts falling like maple seeds -- rosewood seeds. i've never seen a maple tree in my life, except in photographs. they'll wait for me in the ancient capital.
bump of chicken in my ears, butterflies playing yet again. fuji-kun's voice like a dream i had when i was little and i dreamed the whole world could sound like that. could sound like a feeling that can't be put into words. T asks, is that hope? you know what, maybe it is.
(maybe it's codeine kicking in and deleting the migraine, too)
but i think neechan would agree. and neechan always knows best, or at least, better than i do.
the blue the sky turns before the very last hints of the sun disappear. the horizon's almost a shade of green. blink, and it's dark. blink again, stars. i live in a beautiful part of the world. but there again, almost everywhere i go, i find beauty. 住めば都. i'm not saying that as a way to big-note myself, because that's not it; i don't think that fact makes me better than anyone else. it's just a habit.
"Stop. Don't turn away. Stay a while. Let's look closer. No. You are not allowed to find the faults first, not in my game. We will find the Beauty first."
-- santa/tori amos
but i love my part of the world. first only in winter and spring, and then summer proved to me that it can be just as wondrous.
i still believe that.
i won't give up. no more "if i don't this time, then i'll stop" ultimatums. no. fuck that. i will not stop until i've suceeded. i don't know what shape success will take, or how the road will lead me there, or how damn long it's going to take to get there. whatever it is, i am running to meet it the whole way.
sweet little flashes of that sunshine girl. i know she was real. i know because i was her. am her. just waiting.
disgustingly positive, revoltingly hopeful, happy despite it all
summertime, i'm coming. remember me.
"So many think because then happened, now isn't. But didn't I mention? The ongoing WOW is happening right now. We are all co-authors of this dancing exuberance, for even our inabilities are having a roast. We are the authors of ourselves, co-authoring a gigantic Dostoevsky novel starring clowns. This entire thing we're involved with called 'the world' is an opportunity to exhibit how exciting alienation can be. Life is a matter of a miracle that is collected over time by moments flabbergasted to be in each others' presence. The world is an exam, to see if we can rise into the direct experiences. Our eyesight is here as a test, to see if we can see beyond it. Matter is here as a test for our curiosity. Doubt is here as an exam for our vitality."
-- waking life