never wasn't important anyway

no, not okay

i wonder why i'm crying and then i understand it. i'm crying because i'm angry and disgusted and heartbroken. still.

because now and then i want to think the memories meant something. and maybe they did, for a little while. but he got so obsessed with me and turned me into an idea, not a person, not a living breathing girl. not something he truly valued, something he could turn into his ideal if he just closed his eyes tight enough.

and i keep thinking that maybe he'll understand, at some point. and he never does. he never does. i don't think he even tries to.
how much less obtuse can i be? i shout out my rage and hurt, and i'm a bitch. i hold my tongue, and i'm a cryptic bitch.
bitch bitch bitch bitch bitch.

maybe i am. but the thing is, i'd rather be a bitch than to be so blind to someone, to someone i claim to love, to the stupid shit i myself have done to other people.

he only ever talked to me when he thought a relationship was on the cards. i -- me, this girl, this person Rin -- meant nothing to him, not really. i was a machine he could put niceness coins into and be rewarded with The Ultimate Dream Girlfriend. fuck, i'd rather be someone's manic pixie dream girl. at least mpdgs are taken for who they are by the dipshits that want to be rescued.
i have to remember that. i have to burn it into myself until it burns the nerves away and i can't feel the pain. but any time my mind wanders, i can show it the permanent scarring.

i feel nostalgic for nothing.
you cannot feel nostalgic for something that never existed.

"I'm not a concept, Joel, I'm just a fucked up girl who's looking for my own peace of mind."
-- clementine, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind

091018 7:07dusk