never wasn't important anyway

and i get down on my knees and pray

i know what is being done, and why it's being done, and i am torn in two again {surprise}. half wants to let go, another (smaller) half wants to rage at the situation, spit and hiss and yowl at its vileness, at the players involved, at myself for walking into the situation in the first goddamn place. perhaps i should do neither. just write down the feelings and then don't get fooled again.

though maybe i should just let go. being awake at dawn with rage & anxiety bubbling in me so hard it makes me want to vomit cannot be productive. it doesn't feel productive.
although, i'm writing this right now, so...?

there are no clear answers anywhere. maybe all the more reason to let it go. what good can come of lancing this wound? does what is beneficial outweigh what will cause me to be walking in both quicksand and thick mud? is there truly only those two options, or is this a false dichotomy? anger is such a clouding emotion, & almost useless. definitely useless if a decision isn't yet made.

"Do what you have to do,
then walk away.
Anything else will drive you nuts."
-- Getting Right with Tao: A Contemporary Spin on the Tao Te Ching, Ron Hogan

that's probably it.
i am tired. i just want to walk into the future and leave the disaster and its artists behind. it's not a matter of being positive or better-than-thou, i am just exhausted & i want to be able to breathe. i want to sit awake in a spring dawning and feel nothing but beauty & joy. or at the very least, contentment.

i may be very selfish or foolish or heaven knows what other -ish for that, but the thing is, i have found overall that it doesn't matter anyway.

021018 5:03dawn