everything changed with the speed of a falling star. with the reading of a sentence. the holding patterns became permanent pathways and the illusion of hope sputtered out without even a whimper.
i don't know where i am, now, but things are going to change -- whether i want them to or not. whether it's for the best or not. (what's "the best" supposed to be, anyway? i don't think i've known for years.) i could waste my energy in fighting it, or i could embrace it and find some kind of happiness, even if it's pathetic or false or childish. i'm not sure. happiness is happiness, isn't it? if you can choose happiness, then for god's sake choose it. right? even if you're fooling yourself.
where do i go now? what is my purpose? do i even have a purpose? i don't know anymore. i'm so lost and the future is nothing but grey mist. i'm too scared to hope or to want. it seems as soon as i think i can touch happiness, or my heart is stirred, life slaps me across the face and viciously reminds me that i'm not allowed to have those things; they are for humans, not for me.
the snow boy keeps coming back to my memory like an echo, and i don't know why. sorrow over lost chances? lost possibilities of chances? the loneliness is all-engulfing and empty at the same time. it's like standing on the beach and waiting for the tidal wave to come and sweep everything away, yet the water never arrives. is it tears? i haven't cried even once. not yet.
(because on that day, that one day, i was happy beyond words. i was alive like summer.)
i should have known, i suppose. but you can't really walk onwards if both your legs are broken.
(except something inside me is screaming aloud that i don't have broken legs, i can walk and i can run and i can fly, if fate would just stop clipping my goddamn charcoal wings. i don't know if that's truth or delusion anymore.)
it's almost like i'm half-expecting some sort of clarity to emerge from all the confusion, some hint as to what the right path is, if only to even the playing field.
destiny needs to throw me a goddamn bone, the cagey bitch.