never wasn't important anyway

sing with me this is--

anxiety for more hours than i can remember, now. ebbing and flowing like a tide, i have no memory of when it started. i deactivated my twitter; it wasn't worth the spirals of panic that were blossoming inside me. sometimes i wonder if anyone can really dislike me as much as i try to dislike myself, if that's simply a defense mechanism so i won't be hurt. "you hate me? step up your game, i bet you don't hate me as much as i hate me!"

we'll never truly know the depth of anyone else's feelings for us, truthfully. we can guess and take their word, but perception is tricky, and people lie. trust is easily lost and hard won again, if ever.

maybe i am a heartless person, really. maybe i am a discord in the melody. i don't know. one of me, is, at least. "one must give way. one must die." summer is about fire. it's yang, not yin -- it is not yielding, it is encompassing and burning. my duality is not necessary. it is not a choice i am making. i am choosing to burn a part of me that is like an anchor around my neck while i fall into a winter sea, and i do not feel bad about that.

it doesn't seem like balance, but maybe referring to it as "yin and yang" is absolutely wrong. it's not yang overcoming yin. it is balance taking the place of imbalance. i am tired of hating myself. i will not hate myself. i am not going to hurt myself anymore to make someone else smile. i am not making myself sick just to be rewarded by being a dirty little secret, or four months between emails not even properly read.

i am not going to die anymore. i am killing death and spitting the pomegranate seeds back in his face.

i do not love myself, yet. but i am going to try to.

011018 9:24dark