don't (ever) panic

for niichan

"I don't care what happened in the past. I still love you. I will never not love you."
I stood at the edge of the yellow line at Roma Street Station
palms and mouth desertlike, swimming through sweat
searching somewhere in the dulled filing cabinet of my being for a heartbeat
for a single reason not to step forward
the 11:46am Kippa express approaching like an afterthought
      (because Translink can't organise a drinking game in a brewery)
fighting against the urge to, and the urge not to, the yes no yes no feel don't feel
the rage of despair and the despair of terror
whole body a standstill riot hidden beneath a chewed lip and saltwater tang inundation
and then,
      at the
            very last
                  moment

                              your arms around my shoulders.

      finality unchosen.
your death-black shadow falling across my own blistered silhouette
I swam upwards through the gentle deluge and clung to you.
I have never deserved you for a moment.
there is not enough space in all the universe to fit my love for you.
gratitude wears my shape, because kindness wears yours.

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