Sing Blue Silver

June 10, 2021 - no luck with the search for a new home, yet :/ The flat I inspected was...not the best, especially not for its price, and the one I was really gunning for apparently had a tenant approved before I enquired about it? (...why was it listed as available, then?) Nothing heard back regarding the flat in Hamilton I was eyeing, yet...argh...I'm over this whole stupid situation already ><;;

I got some packing done...all of my Tolkien collection, almost all of my jewellery, and most of my makeup. So much more to go...can I just sleep for a month and have all my stuff magically packed away, instead?

In better news, my beloved bloody Manics dropped this, which is a balm to my soul like you wouldn't believe. It's been almost eight years since I saw them live...it seems like it was only a few months ago, I remember the whole trip with crystal clarity ♥ I hope I can see them just one more time before the end of the world...

sailing away @ 8:17PM

 

June 7, 2021 - It's five AM, I'm awake with a headache and neuro complications, and I have to inspect a possible new flat in six hours...situation normal. *sigh*

sailing away @ 5:09AM

 

June 4, 2021 - applying to inspect so many flats...for some reason, it's so exhausting. I am looking forward to moving and starting my new life, I really am, but goodness, I wish it was a less stressful process. There's something so...heavy, I suppose you'd say...about being in the spaces between something. Which is funny, because I am not really between any spaces...simply waiting in one space, until I can move to the other one (quite literally!). But I think I would get much better sleep if I knew precisely where I was going to be in the future, and precisely when. I want to be able to exhale, and stop wanting. And of course, so much, I want to be by the sea...

I'm trying to keep in mind that one bad day doesn't equal a bad month, or even a bad week. I'm terrified of going "back there" for any extended period of time -- if truth's to be told, I'm terrified of even being there for a day, honestly. (It's funny how it feels like depression is a place to avoid, not a feeling...) I thought for sure my neurological condition was entering a period of remission, but it doesn't look like it after all...and the effect that has on my mental health alone is daunting. Stress on top of this, and medication-induced depression...it's sugar and weedkiller.

Of course, I may wake up tomorrow morning and feel brighter than I have in days. I hope I do. I have so many things to do...

sailing away @ 09:58PM

 

June 3, 2021 - I broke down re-reading the lyrics to Lifehouse's "Simon".

You don't know why they had to go this far
Traded your worth for these scars
For your only company
Don't believe the lies that they have told to you
Yeah, not one word was true --
You're alright, you're alright, you're alright...


I don't think I am, to be honest. Somewhere inside, I am always going to be that damaged little teenage girl who had her entire world deleted before she even turned sixteen, and that, dear reader, is primarily why I think Web 1.0 nostalgia is dreadfully overrated. There was absolute human evil during the heyday of the creative web, too, and there were less consequences for those who performed it. There were more ways to get away with it.

This is a gentle reminder to never drive another human being to suicide just because you dislike them. Even the people you hate are human.

sailing away @ 7:56PM

 

June 2, 2021 - Thus begins yet another journal...though I do feel with everything changing as it is, perhaps now is the best time to start. I'll want to remember these days in the future, I think...

The sky looks as if it could stretch into eternity this morning...winter in my part of the world is honestly too beautiful for words. We didn't seem to have an autumn, this year, merely a prolonged summer and then a soft sudden flick into the coldest season. I have come to like summer much more than I used to, but I can't honestly say I'll miss it -- it was the hardest summer of my life, and I am amazed and very grateful that I made it through it. I never want to go back there, if I can help it...not to that extent.

Ah, I miss the ocean...so much! It's been far too long since I last spent any quality time there, just myself and the seashore. Maybe it's Pisces energy that causes me to be so drawn there...if not outright addicted to it...I don't know, to be honest. I just know that it is where I need to be. My heart feels some semblance of peace and wholeness beside the water. It's not a matter of if I get there, simply when. I am no longer living for maybes or second guesses. Am I afraid...? Of course I am. Nothing in life is certain. But I refuse to drown in what-ifs. I will surge forward as if what I know I need is already within my reach...

sailing away @ 8:33AM